Lone Time

Loneliness is proof that your innate search for connection is intact. ~Martha Beck

It's a little ironic that going to church tends to make me feel very alone. Not in the spiritual sense, because going to church tends to make me feel very satisfied in that regard, as I realize I might not actually be alone in the universe. It's not in the physical sense, either, because going to church tends to make me feel happy that I belong to such a vibrant community. Instead of using the word "alone," maybe I should just say that going to church makes me uncomfortably aware that I am single. It's not that I am uncomfortable being single; I'm uncomfortable being single when everyone around me, it seems, is not.

This morning, there was a baptism, and I felt honored to bear witness to something so pure and beautiful. The whole congregation gathered around the baptismal font, and as we sang, my heart burst with hope for this baby boy, surrounded by the love of his parents, grandparents, godparents, and extended family. His parents were so happy, and here was a bright, shining manifestation of their love for each other. And though I am certainly not looking to start a family any time soon, and I don't plan to baptize any future children I may have, I had to wonder, When? When will that be me? 

Church (at least the one I have been going to) is full of couples, babies, children. There are small physical indications of love everywhere: clasped hands, arms draped around shoulders, shared smiles. It's hard not to envy them their relationships. Which, of course, is also ironic in church.

People say that it's much harder to meet people (socially and/or romantically) outside of college. I didn't realize how true that would be. Work takes up the majority of my time, and in my free time, I'm usually hanging out with TFA people, leaving very little opportunity to make any new acquaintances. I guess if I were more invested in expanding my Memphis network, I would make more of an effort, but there are a hundred reasons holding me back, all of which are merely excuses to keep me in my comfort zone.

This year, I am resolving to become more involved in my community. I can't keep the mindset of "Well, I'm only here for two years, so there's no point." I need to change it into one of "I'm here for two years, so I need to make the most of it." I think it will be "easier" next school year, too, once I'm on more solid ground with my teaching. And if I happen to find someone with whom to hold hands in church, well, that's just an extra perk.