Fake

Fake it till you make it. ~origin unknown

Perhaps my favorite exchange of the week, while Molly and Jason stopped by during rounds to chat about Teach For America:

Me: Yeah, I have to take the Praxis, but it seems pretty easy.

Jason: Of course it seems easy, you've got a Principles of Neural Science textbook on your shelf!

Oh, the superficiality of my intelligence. I always find it interesting when people assume I must be smart because of my major. (I'd like to think that it's not because of my race, but that could also be a factor.) They hear "bioengineering," and they think "smart." I could have a 2.0 in bioengineering, for all they know. (Or a 3.3, if they already knew I was in the honors college, yet another somewhat superficial indicator of intelligence. Not saying that HoCo kids aren't smart, of course, just saying that simply being in the HoCo doesn't confer any additional intelligence on anyone.)

I feel like a fraud sometimes, that I am so far from the person others think I am. Do I think I am smart? Yes. I am a beast at standardized tests, and I write well. I know a lot of random stuff, I enjoy reading, I do crosswords for fun. But I have terrible retention, I am lazy, I tend to think inside the box. I rarely question the status quo, and my GPA is closer to 3.3 than 4.0.

It isn't just intelligence. People think I am mature, but a lot of times, I think that's just because I don't often express feelings of anger or sadness. (Granted, I don't really get angry...) It isn't maturity, it's guardedness - and maybe pride, too. I am trying to be more open with my feelings, but it's tough! In periods of frustration or sadness, I feel bad about burdening others with my problems, I feel bad about not trusting others enough, and I feel bad for exposing my vulnerability. Some days, I know I look like I have everything is under control, while the only thing I am thinking in my head is, "I'm not okay."

Today was one of those days.

Now, I don't know what that really means, because I know that I would never physically do harm to myself. So at the most basic level, I am okay. But otherwise, I was sleep-deprived, lethargic, impatient (much more so than usual), stressed-out, appetite-less, unfocused, overwhelmed, and so, so fake.

I wasted so much time yesterday, despite being in the computer lab until the wee hours of the morning, and ended up skipping Spanish today to work on my lab presentation. Again, I don't know what it is about lab that has the ability to make me feel so out of sorts about myself. I alternately care a lot and don't care about the quality of my research. And yet, I made it through the day, managing not to tip anyone off to my mood (except maybe my yoga teacher, because I didn't do anything during class but lie there in variations of corpse pose, which we are thankfully allowed to do). I fake-smiled at people, I answered the requisite "good" when asked how I was. This is what people expect, and this is what you give them.

My stress today was not just due to lab and my thesis. The senior design project I'm working on is also looming (this is the class I feel most worthless in, I think), and there are roadblocks at every turn, it seems. On top of that, people from Teach For America keep calling me (bless their hearts) asking if I need anything, if I have any questions, if I will accept. They are walking the tightrope between helpfulness and harassment. I understand the core values and all, but they are pursuing me a little too relentlessly. Calm the eff down. (But of course I will smile even though they can't see me, and I will make good phone conversation and pitch my voice to the appropriate level of "excited." No need for the person on the other end of the line to know that I am cold, hungry, and exhausted. Nope, better they hear me as perky and sated.)

I know they must worry about people turning down the offer, but really? I was on their payroll for a year. If I applied, it clearly means I want to stay involved. I am not someone they need to worry about. Why haven't I accepted yet, then? Maybe I've just got too much stuff on my plate at the moment and know that I don't have to accept until the 23rd anyway! Why would you give me two weeks to make a decision if you really wanted my decision in two days? I also do not want to accept before I feel like my parents are truly on board with the idea, but honestly, as my mom already pointed out, their opinion won't make a difference. My mind is clearly already made up. But I just really want to feel like my mom and dad are behind me 100% (or as close as they'll get) on this. Of course they were rooting for Newark, but Memphis was meant to be.

Maybe this was just a really bad case of the Mondays. Later in the day, after the lab meeting, I was feeling a lot better about everything. I bought DVDs on sale at Amazon as some much-needed "e-tail therapy." I watched what was probably the best How I Met Your Mother episode this season. I crossed things off my to-do list. For the first time all day, I felt like I could laugh and not have to fake it. For the first time all day, I didn't feel like I wanted to cry. I consider that a step in the right direction. I just have to make it to Friday, which actually shouldn't be too difficult. Just a couple of writing assignments to do, and then it's home sweet home for a week. Just thinking about it makes me smile for real.

In other happy news, I finished my final law school applications on Thursday. It felt damn good to submit them, even if it did cost me a pretty penny. Also, apparently, a decision has been made on my application to Michigan recently, so I should also be hearing back from them in 10-14 days. Here's hoping to be 2-for-2.