Over

Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets. ~Arthur Miller

In a break from bar studying (or was bar studying just what I did to take a break from other things?), I watched the season finale of Parks and Recreation, and it was a heavy one. Not heavy in the sense that there were sad endings instead of happy ones, or that it was unusually devoid of its lighthearted humor, but heavy in the sense that there was a lot to chew on.

Shows tend to end in one of two ways: the cliffhanger (usually an accidental device, because show-runners anticipated renewal, not cancellation) or the present-with-a-bow, everything wrapped up nice and neat, sometimes punctuated by a flash-forward. Which is exactly what Parks and Rec went with. Many, many flash-forwards.

Don't you wish sometimes that could happen in real life? Like when you held someone's hand, you could see snippets of that person's future? Or they could see yours? I loved that they were all still in each other's lives years and years into the future.

What made watching this particular finale at this particular junction in my life so moving was that my final "season" of law school had just ended, and the summer, too, was my finale. The bar exam, then a month off, and then... Memphis, Season 2. Resurrected a la Community and The Mindy Project, my Memphis show got picked up last year, somewhat unexpectedly.

I feel this way whenever I leave a place that has felt like home to me. When I left Memphis the first time, I wondered what would happen next: who would stay in my life; where would our paths cross again? I ended up satisfied with how things ended up over the course of my three years in Philadelphia: I saw Memphriends in New York City my first year and after the bar exam; visited Memphis four times throughout law school; made and used connections from Memphis ultimately to get myself back here.

And now I wonder what happens post-Philadelphia. I had an amazing last night in the city with friends from almost all phases of my teenage and adult lives. Friends from high school, friends from college, friends from law school... it was just such a thrill. Friends came from Philadelphia, West Chester, Allentown, Pittsburgh... even my friend Ed from California happened to be on a East Coast trip and made it out with us. I couldn't believe all of them gathered in one room - for me! It made me feel so loved. I wonder when something so wonderful like that could happen again, if ever. It seems like the only other reunions I get nowadays are at weddings. (Maybe that's part of why I love weddings!) I wonder if I will be able to sustain these relationships years into the future, particularly since it will probably be a while before I am living in Philadelphia again, if ever. Then again, I tell myself I am damn good at keeping in touch with people, and if I've been able to sustain these relationships through college, through TFA, and through law school, I should be able to keep doing what I'm doing. No time for doubts.

Being in Memphis again is so different, yet very familiar. It's the first time in a long time I've lived alone, and the last time I really lived alone, I was on co-op and going home almost every weekend. That isn't the case anymore, but I am learning a lot about myself and how I handle loneliness. For as much of an introvert as I think I am, I do not like being alone. I don't like days where I don't hear people talking, or when I don't talk to people. And these are all things it took me nearly 28 years of life to learn about myself! It's pretty unbelievable that I think I know who I am and I'm confident in that woman, and then, I end up surprising even myself during a transition time. It makes me wonder what will happen next year, when I enter a transition time again as I settle into D.C. Again, I almost wish I could just hold my own hand and flash forward.

What I do know is that I love my new job, I love this city, and I love that I am discovering a 'me' I never knew before.