Funk

I believe that education is all about being excited about something. Seeing passion and enthusiasm helps push an educational message. ~Steve Irwin

Ever since I got back from Boston for fall break, I feel like I've been in a funk. It was really bad the week I got back, but it still hasn't fully ebbed. Even earlier in the year, there were some weekends where I just felt beaten down. By what? I have no idea. Why? I have no idea. There's nothing wrong, exactly, and I'm not unhappy, I'm just less happy.

Why I single out my Boston trip as a pivot point is because the weekend gave me a taste of what life would be like in a real city. I love Memphis, but real cities don't require you to drive everywhere. Real cities are walkable. Real cities have good public transportation. Real cities have airports that aren't monopolized by one airline. (Had to get that dig in there; I'm sick of jacked-up prices for flights home.) If all goes according to plan, next year I will be in a real city, and this trip just made me miss what I can't have yet.

I also had a taste of what weekends might be like without teaching. From the time I left my house to the time I arrived back, the only real work I did the whole time was on the plane to Logan. Freedom! Yes, I had a lot to catch up on the next week. Regardless, it sure felt good for one weekend to let go. (There's also the argument that I would still probably have a demanding job if I weren't teaching. True, but I feel like with many other jobs, I could put in long hours at work and not have to take work home with me. All the time. And on weekends. And maybe more established teachers don't have to do that, but I'm in my second year, and I am still working on systems of organization and grading and planning that didn't quite go right last year.)

I feel like I'm letting my students down because I've been so unmotivated. I'm certainly not satisfied with where they are and where I am as a teacher. I know there is more I could be doing, and I know that this malaise is not helping anyone, but I can't figure out how to stop it. I have periods of high motivation and longer periods of low motivation. I love my students, but not enough, apparently, to push myself to go the extra mile for them. I can't remember if I felt this way last October (which, people say is the hardest month for teachers), but maybe that's the bright side: by next October, I'll have forgotten all about how I felt at this time.