Fast Lane

In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present. ~Sir Francis Bacon

Do you ever feel like life is leaving you behind? Like most people are busy getting on with their lives while time has seemingly frozen for you? When did I get the Pause button pressed on me while everyone else gets to keep on Playing? Fast Forwarding, even? What happened?

I used to think that graduating in four years was my ultimate college goal. I no longer think that, but if I could've with the co-op, I would've. I feel like I am already ready for the great world outside of the college bubble. I know there is so much more out there for me to discover - about life, about the world, and about myself. And I feel like college - at least, my curriculum and the research I'm doing - is slowly sucking the life out of me.

That sounds more melodramatic than I intended.

No worries, I am still pretty full of life.

It's just frustrating to feel like I'm just going through the motions to finish school, but I am not sure I would be any happier had I switched majors or done anything differently. And it's difficult for me to stay motivated, I guess, when 1) the "end" is near and 2) nearly everyone else I know is closer to it than I am. I look at my friends who are applying to - and getting into - med schools, law schools, grad schools, Teach For America, and my friends who are getting flown to job interviews and offered great positions, and I can't help but think, That could be me. Even the people who will still be at Penn State or in college next year are, for the most part, getting out with more than one degree. There is a certain amount of envy involved.

I am not so self-assured that I don't feel inadequate compared to those who are moving ahead with their lives. How come they could do it in four years? And why does everyone else get to start this new chapter of life while I am stuck in the previous one? Obviously, part of the answer is that I took a semester off from classes, and while I don't regret the co-op at all, I think I do harbor some animosity towards it (and, of course, myself) for taking me "off track." (Which is quite irrational, because it's not as if I had any kind of real track planned out past college anyway, besides potentially teaching for a couple of years.)

My time will come, I know. Next fall is not so far away, once I think about it, and it will be I who is dropped into the whirlwind of the application process. One plus of doing it a year later, I suppose, is having experienced friends to go to for reassurance and expert advice. And I hope that I can remember that even if everything falls through - not that I anticipate that happening, but hey, you never know - it won't be the end of the world, no matter how much it feels that way. I am more than confident that everything is going to work out for me career-wise (and otherwise). It's just the getting to that point where I can say, Yeah, I am where I want to be, that is going to be one hell of a challenge.

I think maybe this... melancholy is what I need, though - so that I will eventually be able to truly appreciate what it is to be satisfied.